5 Minute Reminisce

I watched as he crossed the street. The familiar bop, the way he always held his hands clasped in front of him. He was always alert.

I smiled as it took him a moment to recognize me.

We embraced as I felt the familiar arms. I squeezed him close. Yes, I missed him.

It brought back memories as I smelled his cologne. He was only going to the store, yet he smelled great. He looked great and I was a puddle.

We talked shortly as he told me of his struggle. He's been out of wok since September. Yikes!I told him of my recent plight and my current passion.

I remember all too well. His passion. It was once me as we necked in the hallways of our high school. Later, morning sex as we both figured out sophomore years of college or life.

I remember kisses on nipples, tongues exploring. It was time to say goodbye and I wanted it to extend past polite hellos in the street. I wanted him to hold me. He looked at me with that familiar look in his eye.

All I had to do was say the word and we could've gone there.

I walked away.

I still smell the faint scent of his cologne on my clothes.

Man, I miss the comfort of a man!

Read more...

uncertain

my time at npr is coming to a close tomorrow.

i found out yesterday.
i have a game plan. i am ready.

i am just so tired.

i should be looking for a job, completing cover letters, being focused...
but i'm reading blogs and allowing myself to be enveloped in other people's lives, instead. i couldn't sleep last night. i was up til about 1 or 2. i got up at 7. i avoided being late to work by the grace of GOD. that's adding to my lethargy about job searching while i'm quelling the fear and nausea that's riding my spine.

i met a guy the same day i cut my hair and went to fff week.
he's different in an artsy way. he's totally NOT my type at all.
he's tall. (check for that)
his hair is all over the place, like don king (minus)
he's in a transitional phase. he said he's lived all over. he's originally from california and he's trying to make it as a musician. he's recently unemployed and is hustling to make it.

i like stability.

he left me this long message on tuesday after we hadn't spoken since the beginning of july saying how he likes me but he's busy and he can make time but he's not sure.

dude...make up your mind.

he hoped i understand because i'm an artist, too.

uh, yeah i do. but....he's socially awkward. things that i would say to my girlfriends or in my head, he says to me. like, the ball is in your court.
i'm not sure if he's bitter because of past relationships or he's just rough around the edges.

we were supposed to go on a low-key date in the park. i think he planned to play his guitar for me. he cancelled last minute because he had a gig.

as i was leaving work, i ran into him. he was passing out flyers for $10 and hour he told me. (who tells people that?)

he then said that he can't run from money..okay sure...i get it.

so, the guy who was passing out flyers came up to us. i met him. he was like...trying to look into my eyes. he was like yo..dude..she's gorgeous.

i blushed and said thank you.

dude said.."she knows..."

i looked at him. that was a weird statement to make, no?

he then invites me to a show he's playing. then he says, his friends will be there...is that okay. it is but, i'm trying to remember rules...should i meet the friends if i'm not sure i like the guy.

i'm not sure if the guy likes me.

its apparent that we are both scattered in many ways and this is a bad time to try and spark something.

however, its different. he's different. i kind of want to try to date guys that are in the same city as me instead of nursing a crush on unattainable men.

*le sigh*

we'll see...i have the perfect..i'm with the rocker outfit. although something tells me he's more musiq soulchild and less lenny kravitz.

i guess we will see!

Read more...

i need to tell you all...all the pain he's caused....

as i'm writing this, i'm reading blogs and listening to lauryn hill's "peace of mind" song...

i love that song...

i've always had the question:

can you feel your own mind unraveling?

that question scares me above all. as far as i know, mental illness does not run in my family, although all 3 of my parents are crazy as hell. (lol)

a friend of a friend that i know...he's got everything any young man would want.
he's smart. he's about to be dual-degreed at the age of 21. he's a kappa...(and you know how i feel about them..lol). he's good-looking, charming, funny, and he just walked away from a good job to pursue a deeper meaning of life. his spirituality is beautiful. his family is well-off and he grew up in a loving home like the huxtables with less kids.

last year...he had a nervous breakdown.

he got treatment. everyone thought he was fine.

monday night, he got into a bad car-crash. he basically crashed his car into a building with scaffolding...the scaffolding fell on the hood. my bff said it looked like someone peeled off the top of the car.

he walked away without a scratch, saying that he felt like he was Jesus and his friend who was in the passenger seat was satan. he was trying to heal her by showing her he could fly.

he's been arrested and we're waiting to see what is to become of it...pray for him ya'll..this is serious!

Read more...

Spinning...

There's so much going on....I have to write but sometimes it becomes so difficult to compartmentalize your life to the point everything is on a schedule. I never want to be THAT regimented. I probably will have to in order to not lose my mind!

Ok, so let me...explain....

Saturday was my shoot. It was 9hours...an hour and a half away from my house. It was real labor. If you ever ask yourself why a make-up artist (mua) may charge a lot, understand that this person is standing on their feet for however long the shoot is trying to figure out a way to please you and the camera while dealing with your blemishes, oily skin, or whatever comes up in a way that produces their own vision for you. All in all, I left the shoot with this thought:

"I made in 9 hours doing something I love, the exact amount I would make in 40 hours doing something I loathe."

It was just me, the model, and the photographer. So, I acted as stylist-assistant and mua. By the end of the day, I wanted to throw myself into a bed of feathers, which I did...missing a 2 bbq's where there would be BOYS!

Sunday, I went to church.

And Oh em gee!

It was amazing. The pastor preached about baptism and the symbolism behind it.
The whole process mirrors Jesus and what he went through toward the end of his life.

1. Death.
When you're in the pool alone, it symbolizes the isolation of death where your former life dies.

2. Burial
Jesus was buried in a tomb, but we are buried momentarily in water. Meaning, our former life..the things we are ashamed of are buried under water.

3. Resurrection
When we are lifted from the water, we are resurrected in a new life, side by side with Jesus. When Jesus resurrected, He had all authority over Heaven and Earth. We are also given this power through Jesus.

(there were scriptures to back this up but I don't have my notes with me)

After he preached, there were 11 people who were scheduled to be baptized. Right after them, 11 more people walked up and asked to be baptized in the clothes they wore to church. Men didn't care about the clothes. Women didn't care about their hair...they just wanted to walk with Christ.

It was an amazing experience!

Read more...

identity: lost and found

i miss my anonymity sometimes.
i often fight the urge to start up another blog somewhere where no one knows my name.
no one knows my story.

and yes, i'm still "anonymous."

but there is an intimacy that is shared when people read the things you don't even tell your friends.

and there is a difference when you meet bloggers whom you've read for years. i have such a headache.

i am so exhausted.

Read more...

pms

today
i am looking at the world with flames in my eyes.
i want to watch it burn.

gone is the optimism...the youthful abandon by which i look at situations.

i just want to yell and scream and kick things.

i am angry. restless. tired. fatigued.

a headache is ravaging my brain.

i want to give people the finger.

i want to smack random strangers.

once again, i am that girl back in junior high school that's brooding in the corner watching the children play without her.

once again, in one of the most populated cities in the world, i feel completely alone.

Read more...

I Ain't Perfect...but....DAMN!

Gi is a really good person. She's kind, generous, funny, smart, real...but sometimes, I want to shake some sense into her!

She started talking to this dude 2 weeks ago. Monday, she had sex with him. She spent the night with him last night. Did I mention, she slept with my boss 2 weeks after talking to him, too? Then he disappeared on her. Not completely since we all work together.

I gave her a pep talk. I told her she's precious..if she would only slow down. She's talking marriage. She's thinking marriage. Its been a cycle. The last 4-5 men she's been with, she's known for under a month. She's like...well....each time, I wanted to do it. I wanted sex.

I said, I routinely fantasize about punching strangers in the back of the neck. I really wanted to do it. The same reason I don't is the same reason you shouldn't have sex...because just because I want to do it doesn't make it right.

Granted, if you go back to this time last year, I made some bad decisions. I had a buck fuddy. I had what I thought would turn into a relationship stay at the most basic level. I've been hurt by going with urges and not with thoughts of the morning after and Gi has heard my hurt, my disappointment in the walk of shame instead of morning breakfast. She has gotten attached quickly and has cried or felt like mold on year old cheese. Yet, she continues to make the same mistakes. Part of this has to do with my own Capt Save-A-Hoe selfishness as well. It all starts the same. Boy meets girl. Boy spends hours on the phone with girl. Girl feels like boy is a nice guy. Boy gets sex. Boy stops returning phone calls. Girl cries. Part of me doesn't want to hear it. Imagine if every day was Groundhog Day?

But, I have to realize...I can't control the things that happen in my life, much more than anyone else's.

God and Heavenly Father,
Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed;courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen.

*le sigh*

This morning, my phone was dead and so when my mom rang my doorbell to give me a ride to the train station, I was rushing to leave the house so she wouldn't leave me. See, here's the thing...If she's running late, I should just swallow it. If she needs money, I better have it to give to her. When the shoe is on the other foot...oh I get questioned, interrogated, even.

SO FINE!

I'm running down my stairs...and fell. I broke my sandals..(thong sandals...both shoes), scraped my elbow...my thigh hurts. Perfect, I thought.

I dusted the look of surprise off my face..Ran back up the stairs and searched quickly for another pair of shoes.

As I'm walking up the stairs, she honks her horn. Right after, I hear her car leave.

I'm FUMING!
I turn on my phone...which, if you have a BB, you know..it takes a minute...
I call her. She then proceeds to tell me she called me and my phone rang and rang. I was like..My phone was off...what are you talking about???
I start yelling. She starts yelling.

I say, I'm not going to argue with you about this.

She says, I know you're not arguing because you're wrong.

I hang up on her. At no point did she ask me if i were okay.

She calls me back 12 times! back to back! I kept ignoring the calls.

She's nuts!

I'll give it a day or so and talk to her because I really don't want to hear it. She's the type..she can't let it die. She's going to revisit it...even if I don't talk to her for a flippin year!

Read more...