New Levels
I always pine for the unattainable ones....
There's something crazy in me that goes..."I must have HIM"
Brother Wise is not cute or tall or big and burly the way I like them. He's deeply flawed, borderline mental. He's a thinker, an artist. He's charming in that way where its totally off-beat and disarming. He's honest in a way that's self-depricating but not in a fake way but he shows me the ugliest parts of himself. Yet, I don't turn away.
He's celibate too.
Our conversations usually surround his child, work, God, politics, black history...you know...the usual afro-puff topics, lol.
The last convo we had was yesterday.
It was intense...
It started off as normal and then my lil curious self asked him...
"How do you handle your celibacy?"
His answer shocked the hell out of me.
He goes to strip clubs.
The man who cuts his hair whenever he feels as though he's transgressed against God goes to strip clubs to release his sexual frustration at being celibate.
He said sometimes, it helps to transfer or release that sexual energy there and he's less likely to take a stripper home than a girl from the club.
Whoa.
Then, somehow...idk how...we started talking about anal and how the most taboo sexual acts are now the norm. He said he was too chicken to suggest it. I laughed. Pretty much every sexual partner I've had in the past 4 years (with the exception of Afroman) has wanted to try it. I'm saving that for my husband...
We talked for a long time (through FB chat...it seems to only work when I talk to him.) I told him...each time we talk our relationship deepens.
He agreed.
He calls me a funny animal name I won't discuss here. I told him I'm not that, I'm an evil vixen. He was like "why vixen?" I said because that's who I am in my head.
He was like..I'm not just that in my head...rather, I'm sexy, beautiful, seductive with a smile that is bright and pouty lips...
I was like stop right there! I don't think we should go down this road.
He said I started it. Two words created the yellow bricks and he was halfway down the block already.
I played it cool but in my head I was booking a round-trip ticket to Connecticut. Thank God for a state between us.
I've been thinking about him ever since. He's so intense. He's also deeply afraid. Going down any road with him will lead to a dead end. He won't sleep with me. Not without major MAJOR moral conflict. And really..I don't want to put him through that. He makes me smile and feel like the most beautiful woman ever. He makes me think I could love him unconditionally. If only he would let me. He's so afraid. I couldn't go there with him. He would end up hurting me irreparably simply by allowing himself to walk away.
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